Whine and roses.

If I were going to be totally truthful with you, I'd have to admit that I'm sort of a jerk. Kind of a creep. I'm hostile and a little bit mean. No. That's not really true. I'm one of the nicest, kindest people you'd ever hope to meet. What I am is a closed book. Off limits. I've known people who have known me for years and really know nothing about me. We'll have long, deep, personal conversations about life, love, hopes and dreams and, while I'll know them totally, they know nothing at all about me. The funny is that they think they do, but they don't. I don't let people in. I don't even let them get close. It's not an act I play, it's who I am. For better or worse I've built walls around myself and no one, but no one gets in. The trick, I suppose, is to have these walls but for these walls to be invisible so that no one even knows they're there.

I don't give in. I don't give up. I don't stop. Not ever. I'm not sure that I could even if I wanted to. I am who I am and I've no idea why. Not even that bit is true. I do know why but that's a bit that I can't change. It's not safe for me to allow anyone to get close to me. For me? For them? Both? Maybe I have trust issues? Perhaps a low self-esteem? Although I tend to think quite highly of myself while also being all too aware at how inadequate I am in nearly every way.

I'm not much. I'm sad. I'm melancholy and I love life. I really and truly love life, I'm just a little beat up and tired of it is all.

People ask questions and questions make me nervous. I perform. I wear masks. I pretend to be someone I'm not. "I think therefore I am." but is this true? I simply am and I think I'm angry. At everything. At society. At life. At everyone who seems to have a lighter load to carry than I find piled upon my back. Angry at those who suffer more for not being stronger than they are. I feel such pain and pity for so many people. I see their lives in ways they don't and I don't understand why. People never seem to realize how fortunate they are. Simply to be. To live. To love and be able to be loved in return. People are so lucky and it's unfair.

I am continually taken advantage of. I don't like it. It hurts. I would give all I have to anyone, but when people continually take it leaves me feeling alone. My life has been lived serving others. At times it feels as if I am not truly alive. Not like other people. I'm far more a tool to be used than I am a person.