For what it's worth.

People are fascinating. I am so often left amazed at the intellectual deficiencies and the hypocrisy of so many people I come into contact with. It seems that many people will say one thing while their actions prove a different direction all together. Which should I trust? A person's words or their actions? Although I'd love to say a person's words hold the greatest meaning, I cannot help but believe that when all things come due, it is their actions which count the most. A person can say anything but the truth of their convictions comes known by their actions. Do they "practice what they preach"? I'm finding that this is most often the case. Too many people I come into contact with are dishonest, although they would deny this. The reality of their dishonesty is clearly seen in their deeds and actions. What they say is often the polar opposite of what they do. I have to wonder how few of us who are wiling to live what as they speak, even though it often costs us? While no one is perfect, myself most heartily included, I am not a hypocrite. I have suffered often in my life living the truth of my words. So many continuously lay claim to a Godly piousness while doing all those very things they condemn others for doing. Which is worse, to engage in questionable activities or to condemn those who do while doing so yourself?

There are people whom I am quite disappointed in. People whom I have shown a loyalty to that I have not received such loyalty returned. People who have stood beside me as to what is right and watched me suffer for my convictions and yet when I am not watching they engage in the activities they claim are wrong. To these people I would have to say that their actions have spoken a truth their words denied. They profit from what they believe to be wrong and display a list of excuses should their hypocrisy be questioned.

I must be wary of whom I call friend and what this word means to me lest it hold no further meaning at all.

I am betrayed by one I have sought to help. One whom has cost me in many ways helping. I am forced to see them by their actions and I find myself disheartened. I find myself all the more grateful to those around me who are honest and do as they believe. Who say what they mean. Whether a person agrees with me or disagrees, it is their honesty I desire most. I am not infallible and am often wrong. I've much yet to learn but I am not a liar. I speak as I believe and I do as I speak. While I am not alone in believing in honesty of life, I am not surrounded by it either.

Such is life and those we must live with while passing through it. It makes me sad but I have to believe I am better for knowing the truth.

...

I just finished Piers Anthony's "On a Pale Horse". Truthfully, I'm not sure if I liked it or not. Which is strange. I've begun the second book in the series, "Bearing an Hourglass". Maybe this book will give me a better idea of my opinion of the books. Odd, huh? I don't know when I've ever been in the situation where I was unsure after reading a book if I'd enjoyed it or not.

...

I should finish the second season of "Monk" tonight. Maybe tomorrow. Depends on when I get home and how tired I am when I get there. I love the fact that "Monk" is basically a re-imagining of Sherlock Holmes. I love Sherlock Holmes. I have to admit that I can really identify with the character of Adrian Monk. Not in his OCD or his hyper neatness. Anyone who knows me knows that I have never been more than adequately neat. I identify in other ways. In his desire to do good while seeing nothing ahead and no reason for anything other than doing what is right. I can identify with surviving after your desire is gone. I can identify with trying to live while inside knowing that this is impossible.

Don't worry. I happy. Enough. I think. And it doesn't really matter. I'm trying anyway. For what it's worth.

...

Last night I went home, relaxed and had a rather nice time doing nothing. I think I'd like to do that again. My work schedule for today has gone through the mixer so I'll not get to spend my Tuesday evening relaxing and speaking with the Warrior Buddha as I've been doing for the past few months. My Tuesday nights have been my nights to escape from the world and sit outside it. There I am able to find a moment or two of peace. Myself occupied and my mind engaged in things beyond the immediate. A mini-vacation away from myself. Something I find myself needing more and more these days.

...

Oh. Happy days.